My mother married my late stepfather when I was fourteen. He was a little gruff, a bit of a know-it-all, some would say abrasive, and many would say quite difficult to deal with. I am one of the many.
But I would also say my stepfather was principled, he had an endearingly corny sense of humor, and he was a truly decent man who was totally devoted to my mother, and to me.
However, Adrian of the early 90s did not fully appreciate his attributes. Combine the perpetual exasperation of a fourteen-year-old with the know-it-all nature of her quasi-father figure, and you have a recipe for eye-rolling of the annoyed teenager variety.
Every day I reacted to something my stepfather said by looking at the ceiling with an expression of disgust and letting out a slightly audible “ugh”. If people were saying “OMG” back then, that would have been part of my routine. “OMG, I cannot even listen to this right now.” Or “OMG, if he says that one more time I will literally puke.”
You see, my stepfather liked to repeat certain sayings with great frequency. One of these sayings that I found puke-worthy, is this: “Nothing changes if nothing changes.”
To be clear, my stepdad didn’t necessarily direct this phrase at me. He just went around saying it… a lot. And in typical teenage style, I never considered the wisdom of these words. But now I’m writing about them, so hopefully that makes up for my bad attitude. That, and the fact that my sixteen-year-old treats me the same way I treated my stepfather. And there you have it. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
All joking aside, I offer this little nugget of wisdom to honor my stepdad this Father’s Day and in the hope you’ll find some truth in it too.
Consider this quote from Sister Joan Chittister, who writes in her book, Wisdom Distilled from the Daily:
“We all tell ourselves that things are just too hectic, that what we really need is play, not holy leisure. We all say we’ll do better tomorrow and then do not. We all say that the schedule is too crowded and the children are too noisy and the exhaustion is too deep. But, if we do nothing to change it, the schedule just gets worse and the noise gets more unrelenting and the fatigue goes deeper into the bone.” (p. 106).
How might we respond to the problem Joan Chittister identifies? One option might be to take our to-do lists and our overly stuffed planners and pray over them. We can hand them to God, and say, “Please show me what to prioritize, what to cross out, and how to make time for things that are important.” Perhaps we can look at the distinction Joan Chittister draws between play and holy leisure. Trade in some TV time for a spiritual practice. Or examine how well our calendars line up with our core values.
Now locate the phrase “Nothing changes if nothing changes” in the context of repentance. Repentance is opening our hands to let go of things that are harmful to us – self-righteousness, pride, shame, grudges we secretly love to harbor, vices we secretly love to indulge. We must release our grip on these things so that God can replace them with something better – grace, healing, blessing, unconditional love. That’s why repentance is Good News.
The thing is, there will always be places where we struggle to kick unhealthy habits and break unhelpful patterns – where we struggle to embrace the fullness of our freedom in Christ – whether that’s because of life circumstance, or family dysfunction in our childhoods, or just areas of personal weakness. And it’s true that if we don’t try to grow, then we won’t. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
And yet, God in Christ has already changed everything. Jesus undermined our notions of greatness by entering into humanity in the humblest of circumstances. He upended our fascination with earthly power by leading as a servant and lifting up the lowly. He defeated death by dying and rising again.
Jesus changes everything. And if we let him, he will change us too. His rightful place is at the very center of our lives. If we can give him that place – our life’s center – then we will do, and discover, and become immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine.
Adrian+